|When we speak of Intimate Partner Violence, we inevitably think of battered wives and outward signs of abuse. Yet much of the control and domination is more difficult to see from the outside, and as a result it can be difficult to put a name to that type of violence. Indeed, there are some who don’t believe it’s that serious at all.
Ironically enough, gaslighting falls into this abuse category, and it is perpetuated by doubters by making the victim question if they’re really sure it was abuse. I’ve had a difficult past, and there are many things that have been left unresolved that affect me to this day. A friend who works with survivors of abuse sent me some factsheets that are used in recovery programs, to help me make sense of what I experienced. Links are available by clicking on the subheadings below.
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion is a tool developed to explain the methods used to break the will or brainwash a prisoner of war. Domestic violence experts believe that domestic abusers use these same techniques.
This second link contains the original language used by Biderman specifically regarding PoWs; I have included it here for context and comparison. Click Here
The Duluth Power and Control Wheel is a visual representation of the concept that Domestic Abuse involves a wide range of behaviours which are reinforced by actual or threatened physical/sexual violence with the purpose of having control over a victim [Source: Newcastle Women’s Aid].
|Often, emotional abuse and control is a precursor to actual violence. Even if it never reaches that point, it can break a person’s spirit and have profound & long-lasting consequences for their mental health & wellbeing. It’s important that we take this form of abuse seriously, not just in its own right, but as an indicator of the likelihood of worse to come.
When I left, things had started to become violent. I’m sure that I would have left sooner if I had the confidence to trust my instincts, and if I knew that there was a recognised pattern of abuse that I was experiencing. When I was going through this, I just wasn’t sure how to describe what was going on, and because I’d only been hit once or twice, I thought “it wasn’t really proper violence, was it?” Friends and relatives downplayed my worries, and put it down to arguments, or me being “difficult”. We need to educate people on the reality of domestic abuse – that it takes many forms and it isn’t all physical. Please share this post widely – the more knowledge available to ordinary citizens, the more we can take control of our own lives.