INTERNALISED MISOGYNY BY PROXY

As a child, I was brought up as a boy.  I’d be encouraged to do “boy stuff”, and I naturally gravitated towards stereotypically male interests, behaviours and clothing.  And my parents encouraged it.  Throughout my school and university career, I had always felt a stronger affinity with males than females, and I never really got along with girls.  It’s hard to describe in terms that don’t come across as essentialist or reductive, but growing up I felt that I was “more like” the boys than the girls.  I felt awkward in female company, and hated it when teachers and other parents would try to funnel me into “girly” activities.  Even now, I still feel this way, which sure is an education in the complexity of gender (Clue: it’s not a binary!).

But because it’s easier to explain in terms of what society deems “male” things, and “female” things, it can come across as sounding quite misogynistic.  I once was talking with a feminist friend about interactions with women (this started off as a discussion about women who are sexist towards other women), and they got quite angry about my assertion that I preferred male company.  Of course, you can be interested in whatever the hell you like.  You can work on a building site, and go home to watch Sex and the City and strut around in high heels – whatever gender you are.  Men and women can still be men and women whether they like things traditionally associated with their gender or not.  Many butch women are adamant that they are women, many “girly” girls may feel masculine on the inside.

But I do wonder about the way I see the world and the way I was socialised.  As I said above, I was raised like a boy, and it suited me just fine.  My brother got a bit of a rough deal, as he was actually very effeminate – but my parents were having none of it, as they didn’t want him to grow up to be a “sissy”.  So I was brought up in quite a macho environment, but my dad has a real bugbear about people who break gender rules.  Only men should do “men’s jobs”, and women should stay at home with the kids.  Which does make me wonder quite how he sees me.  Obviously he is pleased that I got a good education, and a decent job… but I’m an engineer.  In conversation, it regularly comes up that “men should be men” and “women should be women”, while I’m sat there with my metaphorical site hat on.  It’s almost as if “women are crap, but you’re different”, or “how can I be racist when I have a black friend?”.  And I feel uneasy because although I don’t like that attitude, I have benefitted from it.  And I have such a strong sense of self that if things were to change for me, I’d feel like I had lost something precious.

It’s great that the world is changing to be more inclusive and diverse.  That’s the way to do it, to raise standards of the disadvantaged while those at the top of the food chain stay still.  If only we could all buy into it without having our fragile identities threatened, eh?

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